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Edd

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[ archive | journal archive ]

(no subject) [Apr. 3rd, 2006|06:17 pm]
Edd
[Current Location |My House]
[mood |contentcontent]
[music |Underoath-Down,Set,Go]

I'm tired of drama, i though all the drama in my life may have been behind me, my mom is doign real well. Laurien is real happy now, and excited abotu her wedding, my dad isnt even that pissed off anymore.He has even smiled a bit the last couple of days. I have been enjoying work kinda the last few weeks. I have been total relaxed, and really happy, ive been enjoying life. Nothign has really been getting me down. There Kristen and Kerri too, their awesome as shit. I love hanging out with them, its always a good time. Kristen tho is alot of the reason ive bene happy tho, she is awesome as shit, she is my twin, shes just like me, she understands everything im saying and she is never serious liek me, she likes to always joke around, and thats what im looking for.She is everythign that i want, but idk if i can relaly explain what it is i feel for her. Im just very comfortable, i can be me..

Of course tho happiness can never last and drama and other stuff always has to peak its head out at the worst time.Me and Bridget idk how to explain it, but things just arent good, she is always crying and idk what to do, i dont have feelings for her anymore, but it hurts her when i say that, there is nothign i can do tho, i really just wanna be friends but idk if that is even possible. I hurt her to much and there isnt anything i can do about it. It not her it is me, i think we are truely better off as friend,and nothign is gonan change my feelings. I still care abotu her alot, it isnt that i wnat her out of my life, but i have moved on, ive accepted that our relationship wasnt a good one and neither of us we're happy. I thinks he needs to forget me and not talk to me, im an asshole for the way im acting now, and maybe i have moved ona bit quicker then any1 could have expected but i cnat help that, i found some1 and somethings that have filled the void i had in my life for a while. Im sorry Bridget that i hurt you so much...

Mom-mom has breast cancer, i know i shouldn't really freak out becuz they caught it early and with modern technology she should be fine but i cant help but worry.You hear the word cancer and you immediately associate it with the word death. Im trying to stay calm, and not let it get to me but i its just a little hard, but i know i have support from other ppl.

I just want everyone and everythign to be happy, some people that are upset and hurt dont deserve to be, i wish i could help, but sometimes there just isnt anything u can do.

This weekend was a good,just like the last 2 weekends. Friday nigth i went out with Kristen. We went to Applebees and there i met the love of my life...Orb, she was so sexy and had that incredible laugh..hahah just kiding. I had a good time til i fell off the curb, but kristen save dmy life. We went to the movies after that, to see The Hills HAve Eyes, it didnt start tile almost 10 so we walked to target and some scary ass lady came out of nowhere and asked us for money, i gave her a dollar. After that we walked to Best Buy walked around and did nothing, then went back to the movies... we got to the theater liek 20 mins b4 it started, and just talked, i had seen the movie already but the whole time i was watchign Kristen and not the movie, i couldn't take my eyes off of her, after that we took a cab back to her house and i went home after i walked her to the door.Sat. night we went to a party at Brians house, idk it was at his house tho, so i didnt feel so werid when we got there. it was an ok time, i dont relaly remeber much i had a few drinks and i smoked hahahaha but i chilled with Kristen and we talked and hung out, neitehr of us was really thrilled to be there, so we made our own fun by making fun of ppl there...haha. We left there at liek 3;30 and came back to my house, kerri and Kristen stayed over, and me and kristen didnt get to sleep til liek 7;30 hahaha, we all woke up at liek 3;30 then went to the dinner, basicaly wasted the day, but oh well. Me and bridget chiile dfor a lttle bit last nigth but she started to cry and left, i kinda felt liek an asshole cuz i didnt say anythgin when she left but i didnt know what to do, maybe she shouldnt talk to me anymore.I know it hurts her when she hears abotu me and kristen, but im sry i cant do anything about that.

I'm tired of being an asshole tho...i just wanna be happy, and thats all im thinkign abotu rigth now, im sry if i hurt ppl or offend ppl in the process but if their really my friend they'll have to understand that i wnat to ppl happy and they should let me do what i wnat.
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(no subject) [Mar. 29th, 2006|03:43 am]
Edd
I can't believe three six mafia won an oscar!
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(no subject) [Mar. 29th, 2006|03:36 am]
Edd
Beer Pong Saturday night! wooooo
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I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war... [Mar. 4th, 2006|12:10 am]
Edd
A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realized
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses

Come on in
I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones
I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you, so

A warning sign
You came back to haunt me and I realized
That you were an island and I passed you by
And you were an island to discover

Come on in
I’ve gotta tell you what a state I’m in
I’ve gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is, I miss you
Yeah the truth is, that I miss you so
And I’m tired I should not have let you go

Ooooooooooooooooo

So I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
And I crawl back into your open arms
Yes I crawl back into your open arms
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(no subject) [Mar. 3rd, 2006|11:23 pm]
Edd
Well what i can i say about this week.. it has probably been one of the most difficult emotional wise that i ever had. Well Bridget broke up with me Sunday, it was kinda mutual but i really dont feel liek i had much say in the matter. That night it didnt really hurt, i was fine with it, i felt like it would be better for the both of us, but that was as happy as a had been all week. I don't know where it all went wrong, up until liek 2 days before that she seemed liek she still loved me and wnated to eb with me. We had a great valentines day, and then i didnt see her much the next 2 weeks, and suprisingly i wa sok with that. I mean i missed her and all in that time, but it didnt kill me like i imagied it would have. But in that whole time i didnt feel like this was gonna happen. Just teh toher week she was all excited that we were getting our pictures from sears back, and then she defended me when uncle louie said i was holding her back, and she never showed any sighns that it was juys gonna end. So i ust wonder wether she really thought it all thru, but im not gonna hold it against her, i just hope she can look into her heart, and see how much she means to me. I love her to death and i would do anyhtign for her, but i guess that just isnt enought.

I just have been real miserable all week, except for a few instances, but whenver i feel like im finally starting to get over everything i think abotu her and the pain and heartbroke is re-open and it hurts all over again. i cnat get her out of my head, no matter how hard i think about how fun it'll be to be friends or try to do somethign else, she always comes back. Everythign reminds me of her, i cnat take it. I really want to be with her, ive been in love with her for so long, its hard to just forget abotu her after having had her for the last 8 months.

I really dont blame her tho for leaving me, after i thougth about it i wasnt the best bf, if even a good bf at all. I didnt treat her rigth or the way she wanted to be treated. I didnt live up to what she wanted. I didnt meet her expectations, and im sorry for that. i should have relaized my mistakes, i was so stupid, and look where that got me. Even now, im not taking it that good, i cnat leave her alone, im always tryign to talk to her, tahts thats probly pushing her even further away.

She seems happy now, and i guess thats all that really matter, i guess i did hold her back, im sry it didnt work out, in really thought i could make her happy, for the longest time she didnt seem happy, then her grandmother died, and we started to go out, i thougth i could make her life easier and happier, but i gues si couldnt. I dont wanna give up on her, but i guess sometime i gotta face the facts, and accept that its over, no matter how much that hurts or how heartbroken i am.

Im trying to do some possitive things, but i feel like everythign im doign positive, is actualy a negative and i dont see it cuz my judgement isnt clear. So im sry to every1 if im hurting you in anyway, i just dotn know...
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I just don't know anymore... [Feb. 22nd, 2006|11:38 pm]
Edd
[mood |tiredtired]
[music |Saves the Day]

Well it's been like, to be honest, i could'nt tell you how long it has been since the last time i have updated. No one reads it anymore, or comments so i figured, why do it, why should i allow people insight to whats going on with me. Lately things though have just been leaving a real sour taste in my mouth. I just really don't know how to explain it. Basically i'm not sure wether i am truely happy with who i am and everythign around me. I've been trying to tell myself for a while now that i am happy and there is nothign to worry about, im not to sure of it anymore. Everywhere i go, and everythign i do, there conflict or a problem, and im starting to believe that maybe all those negative things that people have to say abotu me are true, maybe i am an asshole or a fuck up.

I didn't come on here to make it seem like life is so hard, or that people should feel sorry for me, so forgive me if thats what you feel im doing...

Im not sure why i have these feelign though, i should be happy i guess. I have a job, a good gf, and good friends. Its isnt so much though that im not happy beacause im missing anyhtign in my life, it may just be that i feel i don't deserve the things i do have. I really don't deserve teh job i have, everyday i stroll in there late, and think nothign of it, and throughout the the day i just walk away from the work i have to do, simple because i dont feel like doing it.I don't deserve the girl i have, not even the least bit. I don't understand why she is still with me, i pressure her to much, i smother her, i hurt her..physicaly and emotionaly, and i simple ask way to much of her.
I don't feel as though i desevre the love that she gives me or the time she spends with me. I would much rather her be teh happy one and i the miserable one, she doesnt deserve it, and probly shouldnt put up with it any longer. I wouldnt blame her if she left. My friends, i don't seserve them, im never there when they need me, i ignore their phone calls and i just always have somethign negative to say to one of them. They always keep calling tho, they never give up on me, maybe sooner or later the calls will just stop coming and they'll realize the problems i cause and the shit i put them thru.

I am simple just tired of it all, im not mad, im not sad, im not hurt. I don't know what i am, but tired. Tired of the empty emotions, th bitterness, the fights, the negativity, the constant empty feeling, of feeling of unacomplishment. Im tired of it all. I dont deserve a beautiful girlfriend, or good friends who always have your back, or a good job with nice people. I dont deserve any of it anymore....

and either do you.... im sorry
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I Love My Girlfriend [Jan. 17th, 2006|12:19 am]
Edd
[mood |thankfulthankful]
[music |Anthrax-Antisocial]

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(no subject) [Dec. 4th, 2005|01:42 am]
Edd
I'm scared
I'm hurt
I'm sad
I'm heartbroken
I'm sorry
I'm cold
I'm sorrowful
I'm feeling useless
I'm lonely
I'm a waste of human air
I'm surprised
I'm happy
I'm glad
I'm trying to be positive
I'm trying to look on the the bright side
I'm wishing pain upon myself
I'm inflicting pain upon myself
I'm an asshole
I'm affectionate
I'm empty
I'm welcoming a new beginning
I'm beat down
I'm tired
I'm doubtful
I'm trying to be happy
I'm trying to look at it from their point of view
I'm trying my best
I'm tired of it all
I'm wanting it all to end
I'm joyful
I'm at a loss for words
I'm all alone for all the wrong reason, I'm every single one of these things right now, but none of them are what i want to be most, and that is... to be the one that i love, who i gave my heart to, and promised i would always love. The one who's company i always cherished no matter what, the one who at the thought of brought a smile to my face, but that's not me.
I'm not that person ,and it hurts to no end to say that.
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(no subject) [Nov. 15th, 2005|09:52 pm]
Edd
How is it that somethign that is supposed to be so good hurts so much?
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(no subject) [Nov. 15th, 2005|05:16 pm]
Edd
[mood |blankblank]
[music |Poison The Well-Lost in Silence]

So i woke up today in a good mood, and sad to say i believe that was the highlight of the day. It never really seemed to pick up from there, the way i felt the rest of the day was the same as if i were to have just lied in bed. I just felt sort of empty, and i dont understand why. I should, i am now free pretty much of all obligation, im free to do whatever i wnat, but all i can think of doing is the one thing i cant do. Of all thing to be deprived of, love is the hardest thing for any person to be without.

On top of that i feel almost powerless, and feel as if i have no control of my fate or anythign else in my life at that. It all in someone elses hands. I now understand why Sue hated me so much after we broke up, it wasnt so much the fact that we broke up, it was simple that i had all the control in the relationship, she had none whatsoever. So every moment she was scared of what migth happen next. I feel bad, for i now am in her shoe, powerless to do anything.

I wnat to be happy, and in some ways i am, but not for the reason o would like. There is a void in my life that i would like to fill, before it gets larger and unable to repair. I just want to know now if this is the beginning of the end? So i just give up now, for there is no chance to change a thing, or should i continue to fight?

I dont wnat to be like this, i know its all for the better, and hopefully the outcome is for the best for everyone involved. I us both to have what we want, but maybe it just isnt possible amd we should both just give up now, take the easy way out, befote it hurts me even further. Becuase i seem to be the only one affected. I just want whats best. If this isnt it then lets just say our goodbyes. I love you so much and i wnat to feel the same love, but im not forcing you, i want u to do for you what u want, dont worry about me. Ill move on and find happiness in somethign else i guess. I just didnt wnat tyhis to fail. Ive screwed up everythign before this, i thought maybe i had it rigth this time, but you never know, i tend to be the" wrong person" always. wtf am i doing. Im bitchign liek a little girl, i should be more of a man, im being a pussy. I should just say goodbye and let it go, this is what the other person wnats and is probably the best thing.
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